“I won’t sacrifice my peace for your comfort.”
-Anthony Evans, Jr.
The war that I have been battling in my mind for months has not been fun. Like irritated siblings at odds, my heart and mind rage war against each other on whether or not the decision to simply let go was correct.
They are great, life-giving, soul comforting, fruit bearing, but sometimes, if your aren’t careful, they are just plain draining. In my attempts to find my “one and only” true friend throughout the years, I stumbled into a friendship that left me wondering whether or not I should be there. Weary weeks in the start of this friendship turned to frustrated months, and those months turned to mentally drained years. I’ve now realized that my weariness was a clear sign of my lack of inner peace. My questioning of whether or not this friendship I established should remain was not my battle against what I originally thought was my christian duty, it was my battle against peace.
Was I being mean for wanting to walk away?
Do I have friendship commitment issues?
Am I being petty?
Will God be mad at me?
It was a war. A circle, that I continued to go round and round in at a 100 mph. The green exit sign too blurry to make out in my speed. But now that I am looking at things with a perspective of peace, I am seeing that those questions were a direct result of my confusion, my insecurity, and my unrest.
I am sure that my lack of reading and understanding the Bible is a primary reason I could not distinguish this as a friendship that I could lightly set down when it first began. It was my misunderstanding of the Word and the Grace of God that kept me in bondage to the thoughts of others who made sure to point out my apparent flaws as a “true” friend in this particular friendship. When in reality, I had long been done, I just didn’t want to go to hell.
So I stayed, and I played, and I continued to sacrifice my peace for the comfort of someone else. Because I didn’t know how fragile they were, because I understood the hardness of their background, because I know that sometimes I could be a tad bit negative, because I was to confused and insecure to give myself permission to be free.
It’s interesting how living with a partial understanding on the goodness and salvation of Jesus will completely destroy you. For if I had been striving to know Him fully I may have found my eyes upon the verses of scripture that speak on His desire to give me complete peace.
“Now may the Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times in every way. The Lord be with you all.” -2 Thessalonians 3:16
At all times. In every way. My God seeks to give me peace.
I think I may try to memorize this scripture. Lest I forget to view every questionable situation and relationship through a perspective of peace.
Grace and Peace,