When The Silence Is Too Loud

I know how to be alone. At least I tell myself I do. The truth is, as much as I find contentment in being in a room by myself for hours, I have begun to notice a fact about my own personality that I’ve kept unkowingly in my back pocket since I was a child: Silence is loud. Too loud.

It has only been in the last three or four years where I’ve felt the conviction to begin surrounding myself with a community for the betterment of my spirit. And as I’ve made it my mission to pursue that, God began to reveal to me that I have a significantly strong dependance on the comfort of television, the internet, and music. The idea of eliminating all of these distraction for an evening brings about a taste of anxiety that cannot be explained. Or maybe I can explain it. Maybe I know that if I turn the television off, I will be forced to keep my deepest thoughts, that are waiting, awkardly on the sideline in my mind, like wallflowers at a Junior High School dance, company.

If I am left alone with them, I will have to ask them to dance.

Why am I so afraid of my thoughts? There are times I can think of “legitimate” reasons on why I don’t want to be left to think. I don’t want to analyze my flaws, I don’t want to add on to my “To Do” list and I don’t want to become depresed by the fear that my life will not reach new levels.

The idea that the fear, doubt and anxiety will get louder as the distractions become quieter is too much to chance.

So, I do like any person would do when they don’t want to deal with the threat of the icky in their life. I run.

Hard. And fast. Right into a Netflix series, or a Christian blog about turning off distractions (the irony), and it is there, and only there, where I allow myself to think. When my mind is half distracted, and entertained. Where my deepest thought still sit, awkwardly waiting.

When I realized that silence was too loud for me, I knew that something was wrong. I knew it was because I was running from something, I just need to turn the noise off long enough to understand what it is.

 

Much love,

Whit

Pushing Past My Fear To Start A Business

 

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I want to start a business. Sometimes I struggle with what I should actually be selling, but it has always been my desire to create some type of brand. I guess that explains why I often find myself going back and forth with ideas and concepts that could potential turn into bigger platforms. I am a dreamer. I am a creator. And I want to offer the world something great. I just don’t know what.

Sometimes my mother hates me. Not literally of course, but she often rolls her eyes at my ability to switch gears and come up with new ideas and new desires in the blink of an eye. I used to feel bad about this. My mind wanders and I know it, I just can’t seem to help it.

Now, I’m done. Not with dreaming. Never with dreaming. But with thinking that something is abnormally wrong with me. Now- I realize that God has gifted me with a mind that thrives on all things creative. I no longer have to feel guilty. However, I do need to focus.

I want to start a business. So I need to look at the ways that God has uniquely gifted me. I obviously have a desire to write. Over the past few years, I have fallen in love with videography and I have a desire to learn photography. I think I may be on to something. With the recent help of Christy Wright and her launch of the Business Boutique, I’ve had about a year to truly think about what my business should be. And with a lot of time, doubt and mind juggling, I think I have finally figured it out.

Storytelling.

It seems odd when I write it. Is that even a real job. But when I think about the writing, the video, and the photos. I realize that all of these could work together and independently to accomplish one thing; they tell stories.

In making this decision, it would only make sense that all of the fears and doubts would rush into my mind.

You are not that good at photography

You don’t have expensive film equipment

You are not good enough to do this.

Boom. Boom and Boom. Like bullets, they hit me. Doubts, negative thoughts, fears, anxieties. And then I start to retract. Right back into my cubical. The blinking cursor mocking me.

This is why Christy Wright’s Business Boutique could not have come at better time. It is through her work that I am learning that fear is expected, but I cannot let it stop me.

I will not let it stop me.

I’m going to start a business.

Much love,

Whit

Stuck

I am one of those. One of those people who finds herself stuck in a uniformed, boring, gray cycle that I can’t seem to get out of. I will admit that I am often drawn in by the sweet allure of those who walk around with the saying “Do what you love, love what you do” on t-shirts and coffee mugs, but I know that there is something more to my time in this place. And that maybe, just maybe, I shouldn’t try so hard to run from this season.

It’s funny how easy it is to find the “spiritualness” in one area, while still continuing to struggle in the next. It’s easy (somewhat) for me to talk about my struggles and victories related to singleness. Yet, at the same time, the issue of purposefulness​ will still back me into a corner with only the tears streaming down my face to defend me. I just feel stuck.

I want to move on to something more. Something more powerful​, something more enjoyable, but it seems as if I can’t.

This is simply a vague declaration that I will have to continue to trust God, EVEN in this.

Peace to you,
Whit

I Wrote A Play, But God Put on The Show- Part 1

Well, I haven’t been here in a while. Which is sad, because I have had plenty to talk about. I guess we’ll begin with the fact that in December, I wrote a play for my church. It was never my plan to do such a thing, but it would be deceptive if I didn’t add that I would always imagine myself putting on a play for my church, I just never thought I would actually do it.

Case in point. A little over two years ago, I was approached by the music minister at my church about writing a play for Christmas. Immediately, my mind began to spin. I started outlining ideas right away. Within about a couple of hours of being asked I had the entire idea, plot and storyline established. I only needed to write the script. With a fervency, I wrote, and after about two weeks, I was done. I sent it to him and he loved it. And with that, the goal was to put on a play. I set up a special email for those who wished to be a part of it. I  created an announcement for a casting call, and I began to see some fruit. Church members were interested, and emails were coming in, however, back then, a little over two years ago, I wasn’t ready.

As I mentioned before, my mind would only dream big dreams, making them come alive was never a part of the plan. I wasn’t bold enough for that. With only a small amount effort used to promote it, the possibility of a play began to slowly drift. The fear began to make its way through my mind like a tsunami. Thunderous waves crashing over any ounces of courage and hope. Who was I to produce a show? No one. So why did I for a second think that I could? Within a month, the hype for the play died. I was sad, but I felt justified. I couldn’t do this by myself. I couldn’t do it all.

Fast forward almost three years later, and I get a Facebook message from the same music minister about another play.

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I love a good prompting to use my creative gifts, so I was quick to take him up on the challenge. Still, I wasn’t expecting to fully pull it through. Regardless, by February 26th, I had the play written and emailed for his review. After his positive reception, I knew that if we were to do this play, my involvement would be small. Nothing spectacular. But for some reason, this time around, I knew what I had to do. I took his advice on the premier date for the play which would become April 8th, and the structure of a schedule. Within a couple of days, I had an entire game plan.

I had a rehearsal schedule that covered the months of January-April.

I had a Prop list

I had Costume list

I had a vision

And only by the grace of God, I had the courage and the passion to pull it through.

I started with church announcements on casting, and I began brainstorming for ideas on stage props and costumes.

I still had fears though. I had no idea who my actors would be. My church has put on plays before, but the play that I had written required strong male leads that I had yet to see perform in any way at church.

One role I truly feared for. It was the main character of the play, Cameron. An alcoholic, in need of saving by Jesus. I needed someone to deliver the emotion that this character had. I needed someone who could make him believable. I needed someone strong. I was so afraid that my options were limited that I prayed. I remember, going to the beach, mid-January, taking a seat in the sand with my blue journal and writing to God.

I prayed for someone who could bring the emotion.

I prayed for someone who could bring the passion.

I prayed for someone who could make people believe the struggle in this character’s life was real.

And as God would do it, the next day, my Pastor came up to me and pointed out a minister at my church to go after for the play. In fact, he had already did the dirty work for me. All I needed to do was give him a role and a script.

It was a minister that I had only noticed once before I began to seriously dive into this play.

It just so happened to be the only minister on our staff that was licensed as a professional actor.

Yeah, my God did that.

I don’t think I noticed it then, but I am beginning to see the majesty in how God works now as I look back.  I expect that I will see more as my story in producing this play continues.

As for now-

To be continued


I’ve decided that I will have to do this blog in sections. So much has happened in the last month that I don’t want to cram it all into one post.


 

Much Love,

Whit